Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
