I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Randomize
