they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
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