True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize