One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
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