I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
