Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
