just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
