This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
