So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Randomize
