I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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