I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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