we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
