You made me cry and you don't even care
I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
