the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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