My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
