i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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