The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
