im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
