if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
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