there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Randomize
