Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Randomize
