dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
