All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
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