Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
