Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
