tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
We are all done wearing pants today
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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