Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Randomize
