remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
