Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Randomize
