i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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