Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
