Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Randomize
