i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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