He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
