my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
