just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
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