I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
