I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
