i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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