remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Randomize
