The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Randomize
