mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
