omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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