This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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