did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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