Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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