and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Randomize
