Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Randomize
