You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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